I tried to share a comment, and I should have known better. I was blubbering, and crying that ugly type of cry- you know the one where you can't breathe and you are gasping for air.
I don't even know what I said, or if what I said made any sense, or if anyone could even understand what I was trying to say.
I was tempted to share my testimony in Sacrament Meeting today, but I knew that there was no way I would be able to hold it together. I guess I can share it here. This seems to be a good place for me to write and express my feelings. It's a great place to be able to share my thoughts and no one has to see the tears and the snot running down my face.
This road has been so emotional for me spiritually. Every day it seems like holds multiple ups and downs for me. My cycle starts when I begin to get angry at God. Why my boy? Why me? Why my family? Why? Then I start to pray. I tell God how I am mad at Him. I tell Him that I don't understand, and that this is difficult. I tell Him that I can't do it alone. And almost immediately after I say that I can't do it alone, I get comfort. I have an overwhelming feeling that we are not alone on this road. He knows what we are going through, because He is right here with us.
During Relief Society today I tried to share my thoughts and because I am so emotional, I couldn't hold it together. I wanted to tell the ladies in the room with me that dishes and housework are not important. I wanted to tell them that joy can be found in everyday things, like bike rides and running through the sprinklers and puzzles and reading books. I wanted them to stop complaining about the messes and the things they have to do- because those things can bring joy if they allow them to.
This last week I was trying to blog on our family blog. The title of the blog was "One Life to Live". I have about a million pictures to add, and I want to document the million things we've done over the last few weeks. Time hasn't allowed me to blog as often as I would like. Time hasn't allowed for me to do many things, but I am finding time for the things that are important. My son, my daughter, my husband. Family; family is what matters most. The physical possessions are not important. We only get this one life to live, and because of the situation we are in, I have changed, and now I can see that I want to spend my life doing something that matters, and spending time with those things that matter most.
And even though this road is hard, we are still finding joy. We are finding joy in kindness, and compassion. Joy can be found in family, and friends. Joy is abundant if you allow it to enter your life.