Cancer

Leaving for the hospital this morning was difficult. We know we are making the right choice to fight this cancer- but even knowing that it's the right thing, we still question our decision. Today we admitted our 5 year old to the hospital for chemotherapy. Today we took a visibly healthy child to the hospital so that the doctors can pump his little body full of poison. Poison that we are hoping will kill the cancer that is growing inside of his little body.

Cancer. Every time I hear that word it is like a slap in the face. A slap in the face that takes my breath away every time. I am learning how to cope. Perhaps being slapped so many times helps you get used to it, yet again, maybe I'll never get used to it.

Today was technically day 0 of chemotherapy. We had no idea what to expect- we still don't know what to expect. We sat in the hospital room for 8 hours today while Jackson was given IV fluids. His urine has to have a certain pH balance before they can start the chemo drugs. Eight hours of waiting to get started.

We spent some time together at the hospital as a family- thanks to my mom for bringing little sis up. It is surreal to think that hospital visits will become our new normal.

Jackson is starting chemo with two different drugs today. One is yellow- called methotrexate- it's side effects are so many I can't remember them, but Kidney damage, hair loss, nausea, mouth sores and dizziness are all some of them. Because of the possibility of kidney damage Jackson will have to go to the bathroom to pee every two hours so that the drug doesn't sit in his bladder or kidneys too long. Being on this drug makes Jackson "bio hazardous".

Driving home tonight I kept wondering if this could somehow be a horrible dream that I will wake up from. I keep wondering if this is real, but I know that it absolutely is real. This pain and heartache is real. The effect it is already having on our family is real, and the impact is devastating at times.

Tomorrow is officially day 1 of chemotherapy.