I try to forget

I try to forget that Jackson has cancer.

Forgetting doesn't happen, but I try to pretend that he doesn't have cancer. Sometimes it's easier than other times- especially right now during the "radiation" stage of his protocol. We are living at home, Jackson goes to kindergarten, and has play dates. He rides his bike, he jumps and laughs and is a kid. We are doing normal things, and I feel so grateful.

Life is good right now. Jackson's blood counts are up and he feels good. Other than the tumor and the cancer, he is "healthy". Radiation has had no ill side effects that we have noticed yet. He doesn't have burns, or headaches, or loss of appetite, or fatigue like we thought he would. He is doing amazing. And Dr. Thomson said at this point the tumor should be 33-50% smaller.

Saturday we went for a ride in the car to see the fall leaves. We were trying to decide between two different drives to take and Jackson voted for the one where we could go for a walk AND see the leaves. So we drove Guardsman Pass up Big Cottonwood Canyon and walked around Silver Lake.

Jackson loved exploring, and hiking. He has so much energy and climbed every rock we came upon. He stepped into his role as big brother with ease and was quick to protect and guide Hailey along the path and away from danger.

I try to forget that Jackson has cancer, but it is constantly on my mind. I look at pictures of him when he was little, and I start to cry...I think of our lives now in terms of "before cancer" and now "after cancer". I look at his tiny face when he was younger, and I am overwhelmed with a desire to go back to simpler times. Times when he was innocent, happy, healthy, and cancer free.

I keep telling myself that one day he will be cancer free again.